воскресенье, 16 марта 2025
Lost in paradise.
Снова сижу в ночи и пытаюсь сместить комок из горла от всего невысказанного и невыплаканного. Я так стремилась сбежать из замкнутого круга недовольства своей жизнью, что провалилась в бездну. И теперь сижу тут и страдаю. Ну почему ты сказала, что все будет в порядке? Ведь где-то на задворках сознания я чувствовала, что нужно все вернуть вспять пока не поздно. Но нет. Я опять доверилась, я погналась за своими амбициями и жадностью и осталась в пустоте.
Я не могу без стабильности. Несколько дней назад словила паническую атаку в день выплаты. Поняла, что во время парковки на машине, да и в целом да рулём, периодически ловлю это состояние. Кислорода нет, сердце колотится, в голове туман.
Я ведь не многого прошу. Я хочу стабильную зарплату, не убиваться при этом на работе, и получать достойно. Мне так страшно оставаться в этой пустоте и я не вижу выхода. Как будто из моей жизни выдернули фундамент и я теперь как на палубе корабля в шторм, пытаюсь не слишком сильно врезаться головой в мебель. Мне очень страшно и я устала тратить все силы на борьбу с собой.
Головой я понимаю, что ничего смертельного не происходит. Но я не могу выдохнуть и отвлечься.
Beast не выходит из головы и при этом не особо выходит на поверхность. Хотя по сравнению с тем как он сидел в моей голове столько лет, сейчас прогресс. Возможно, стоит прекратить обесценивать свои усилия.
Комок в горле передавливает желание что-то делать. Я как будто в смирительной рубашке качаюсь из стороны в сторону в мягкой комнате и бормочу этонесомнойэтонесомной. Sounds familiar, ha?
I keep tryin' just to make it
To to end of the day, you know I hate it
Been lyin', my body's achin'
What do you do when the hero needs savin'?
Honestly
I can't shake it, shake it, shake it
Yeah, honestly
I can't take it
I say that I'm just fine
But I don't feel alright on the inside (alright on the inside)
I say that I'm okay that I don't feel okay right now, no
I've been slippin' and slidin', my world's gettin' colder
I'm tired of lookin' over my shoulder
Tonight, I don't feel alright on the inside
It's like I'm runnin' from an avalanche
It's like I'm runnin' from an avalanche
It's like I'm runnin' from an avalanche
And I'm not okay, I'm not okay, no
I feel too much, my blood is rushin'
Ask about me, I'm quick to change the subject
I tell the truth but get interrupted
I wish my life would've came with instructions
Honestly
I can't shake it, shake it, shake it
Yeah, honestly
I can't take it
I say that I'm just fine
But I don't feel alright on the inside (alright on the inside)
I say that I'm okay that I don't feel okay right now, no
I've been slippin' and slidin', my world's gettin' colder
I'm tired of lookin' over my shoulder
Tonight, I don't feel alright on the inside (alright on the inside)
It's like I'm runnin' from an avalanche
It's like I'm runnin' from an avalanche
It's like I'm runnin' from an avalanche
I'm not okay, I'm not okay, no
Whoa-oh-oh
My heart is racin'
Su-su-suffocatin'
I'm slowly fadin'
Su-su-suffocatin'
I say that I'm just fine
But I don't feel alright on the inside (alright on the inside)
I say that I'm okay that I don't feel okay right now, no
I've been slippin' and slidin', my world's gettin' colder
I'm tired of lookin' over my shoulder
Tonight, I don't feel alright on the inside (alright on the inside)
It's like I'm runnin' from an avalanche
It's like I'm runnin' from an avalanche
It's like I'm runnin' from an avalanche
Whoa-oh-oh, whoa-oh-oh
It's like I'm runnin' from an avalanche
It's like I'm runnin' from an avalanche
It's like I'm runnin' from an avalanche
Whoa-oh-oh, whoa-oh-oh
Hey
To to end of the day, you know I hate it
Been lyin', my body's achin'
What do you do when the hero needs savin'?
Honestly
I can't shake it, shake it, shake it
Yeah, honestly
I can't take it
I say that I'm just fine
But I don't feel alright on the inside (alright on the inside)
I say that I'm okay that I don't feel okay right now, no
I've been slippin' and slidin', my world's gettin' colder
I'm tired of lookin' over my shoulder
Tonight, I don't feel alright on the inside
It's like I'm runnin' from an avalanche
It's like I'm runnin' from an avalanche
It's like I'm runnin' from an avalanche
And I'm not okay, I'm not okay, no
I feel too much, my blood is rushin'
Ask about me, I'm quick to change the subject
I tell the truth but get interrupted
I wish my life would've came with instructions
Honestly
I can't shake it, shake it, shake it
Yeah, honestly
I can't take it
I say that I'm just fine
But I don't feel alright on the inside (alright on the inside)
I say that I'm okay that I don't feel okay right now, no
I've been slippin' and slidin', my world's gettin' colder
I'm tired of lookin' over my shoulder
Tonight, I don't feel alright on the inside (alright on the inside)
It's like I'm runnin' from an avalanche
It's like I'm runnin' from an avalanche
It's like I'm runnin' from an avalanche
I'm not okay, I'm not okay, no
Whoa-oh-oh
My heart is racin'
Su-su-suffocatin'
I'm slowly fadin'
Su-su-suffocatin'
I say that I'm just fine
But I don't feel alright on the inside (alright on the inside)
I say that I'm okay that I don't feel okay right now, no
I've been slippin' and slidin', my world's gettin' colder
I'm tired of lookin' over my shoulder
Tonight, I don't feel alright on the inside (alright on the inside)
It's like I'm runnin' from an avalanche
It's like I'm runnin' from an avalanche
It's like I'm runnin' from an avalanche
Whoa-oh-oh, whoa-oh-oh
It's like I'm runnin' from an avalanche
It's like I'm runnin' from an avalanche
It's like I'm runnin' from an avalanche
Whoa-oh-oh, whoa-oh-oh
Hey
среда, 04 сентября 2024
Lost in paradise.
The planet will remain undamaged
If you capitulate
If you capitulate
Не знаю, с чего меня накрыл сплин, возможно, осень, возможно, накопилось, возможно, я чувствую, что эфемерное счастье рассыпается в прах.
Вчера он всколыхнул какие-то пласты в моей душе, которые, оказывается, все ещё много для меня значат. Хотя, казалось бы, отгоревала, отплакала и отпустила. Но нет. Все ещё горит, даже, я бы сказала, тлеет. И жжет. Где-то глубоко-глубоко все ещё та маленькая девочка, которой больно, плохо и одиноко, и она просто хочет проснуться в той реальности, где все идёт правильно.
А как - правильно?
Чувствую, что опять потерялась. Дома как в клетке, душно, стены давят со всех сторон. Удушающая и притупляющая мгла, тянущая как болото вниз.
Работа то приходит, то исчезает из рук, оставляя разочарование и ощущение своей бессмысленности.
Ребенок все больше отдаляется, или это я сама проекцирую свое желание быть одной?
Группа распадается, а я чувствую как будто пытаюсь распалить остывающие угли, не имея ничего, кроме собственных рук.
Глупо и как-то по-детски. Но уж как есть.
Прокрастинация не позволяет забыть, даже не даёт отвлечься. Я просто загоняюсь не так явно, а где-то там, фоново.
Хочется вырваться на простор, быть нужной, и важной, и слышимой. Только страшно, что сказать будет нечего, и все отвернуться, а жизнь просто померкнет как когда-то.
Страшно.
Наверное, осень.
среда, 21 августа 2024
Lost in paradise.
Fucking hello. Can you hear me?
This is getting ridiculous. You're being a drama queen and I'm pissed cause I can't vocalise even half of what I'm feeling to your face without burning all the fucking bridges forever.
I'm just done pretending. You wanna play the silent game - suit yourself. I'm done being your friend. Your only fucking friend you could talk to everyday. Cause guess what? I have needs and feelings too. Surprise! And unlike you I actually go out every so often so everyone can take a break from me. The problem is I can't take a break from everybody cause I just don't have the space for that! Someone is always fucking nearby.
I don't need your smothering advice. I don't need your opinion on my way of doing anything. I kinda need your presence occasionally. Not every fucking minute.
Every time this happens it opens up a boiling pot in me with every little thing she annoys me with. And the worst part is - it's not gonna change till we move the fuck away from each other to call every other day for some small talk! It's never gonna be fine while we're in the same space together and there's no foreseeable way I could get my space till either grans die or my son grows up.
I thought I could bring all the bubbling inside here so it would stop swirling in my head. But there're so many things I wanna say at the same time I can't concentrate on even one to start unravelling. I realize that's her way of pushing me to shame of being "the bad daughter" so that I'd come and apologize for things that are not even my fault. Cause guess what? She's always right. She never apologizes for being a manipulative bitch. I'm the one who always has to be the "I'm sorry it was wrong of me to say all these things" girl. Well, tough. Not this time. I'm not afraid of the silent treatment, I'm a fucking master at it, too.
The funny thing is, the less she talks to me, the more I wanna spend time with my son. Maybe my social battery just had the resources for one and this whole shenanigan will be good for my parenting. Joke's on you, mom.
Don't let them in, don't let them see
Be the good girl you always have to be
Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know
Well, now they know
Let it go, let it go
Can't hold it back anymore
Let it go, let it go
Turn away and slam the door
I don't care what they're going to say
Let the storm rage on
The cold never bothered me anyway
Well, I guess Amen to that. Being yourself and true to your feelings.
This is getting ridiculous. You're being a drama queen and I'm pissed cause I can't vocalise even half of what I'm feeling to your face without burning all the fucking bridges forever.
I'm just done pretending. You wanna play the silent game - suit yourself. I'm done being your friend. Your only fucking friend you could talk to everyday. Cause guess what? I have needs and feelings too. Surprise! And unlike you I actually go out every so often so everyone can take a break from me. The problem is I can't take a break from everybody cause I just don't have the space for that! Someone is always fucking nearby.
I don't need your smothering advice. I don't need your opinion on my way of doing anything. I kinda need your presence occasionally. Not every fucking minute.
Every time this happens it opens up a boiling pot in me with every little thing she annoys me with. And the worst part is - it's not gonna change till we move the fuck away from each other to call every other day for some small talk! It's never gonna be fine while we're in the same space together and there's no foreseeable way I could get my space till either grans die or my son grows up.
I thought I could bring all the bubbling inside here so it would stop swirling in my head. But there're so many things I wanna say at the same time I can't concentrate on even one to start unravelling. I realize that's her way of pushing me to shame of being "the bad daughter" so that I'd come and apologize for things that are not even my fault. Cause guess what? She's always right. She never apologizes for being a manipulative bitch. I'm the one who always has to be the "I'm sorry it was wrong of me to say all these things" girl. Well, tough. Not this time. I'm not afraid of the silent treatment, I'm a fucking master at it, too.
The funny thing is, the less she talks to me, the more I wanna spend time with my son. Maybe my social battery just had the resources for one and this whole shenanigan will be good for my parenting. Joke's on you, mom.
Don't let them in, don't let them see
Be the good girl you always have to be
Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know
Well, now they know
Let it go, let it go
Can't hold it back anymore
Let it go, let it go
Turn away and slam the door
I don't care what they're going to say
Let the storm rage on
The cold never bothered me anyway
Well, I guess Amen to that. Being yourself and true to your feelings.
суббота, 20 июля 2024
Lost in paradise.
Oh shit, here we go again.
Why is it everytime I try to be nice to people they start to get increasinly annoying and demanding? I'm just trying to socialize and not be that cynical bitch I really want to be, how the fuck is that the sign of "use me as often as you can"? Seriously, that's starting to be a problem. I am REALLY trying to not get involved, stopping myself from "oh that's really not all that out of my way and in no way a problem" which quickly escalates to "the fuck you think I am, your private taxi?".
Argh
Spent a whole day alone at work. Best shift I got in a few years. People are terrible and I hate them.
Yesterday used an AI to complete a song and now I'm procrastinating cause I feel like a shitty musician who can't even split this music into instruments and midi by ear. I just fucking can't! Not even the vocals, it all seems to be too fast and overwhelming. So I've spent a whole day watching interviews and comedy shows and reels and playing shitty games on my phone. Well done, Cauri, really fucking proud of you.
May be I want too much from myself, instead of doing small steps I want to get everything done IMMIDEATELY MOTHERFUCKER. Oh well, may be one day I'll learn.
Why is it everytime I try to be nice to people they start to get increasinly annoying and demanding? I'm just trying to socialize and not be that cynical bitch I really want to be, how the fuck is that the sign of "use me as often as you can"? Seriously, that's starting to be a problem. I am REALLY trying to not get involved, stopping myself from "oh that's really not all that out of my way and in no way a problem" which quickly escalates to "the fuck you think I am, your private taxi?".
Argh
Spent a whole day alone at work. Best shift I got in a few years. People are terrible and I hate them.
Yesterday used an AI to complete a song and now I'm procrastinating cause I feel like a shitty musician who can't even split this music into instruments and midi by ear. I just fucking can't! Not even the vocals, it all seems to be too fast and overwhelming. So I've spent a whole day watching interviews and comedy shows and reels and playing shitty games on my phone. Well done, Cauri, really fucking proud of you.
May be I want too much from myself, instead of doing small steps I want to get everything done IMMIDEATELY MOTHERFUCKER. Oh well, may be one day I'll learn.
пятница, 26 апреля 2024
Lost in paradise.
Ааааа, как же я ненавижу звонки. 2024 год на дворе, все виды мессенджеров, электронная почта, смс, что угодно текстовое, блять! Мне не всралось слушать ваш медленный голос с мерзким тембром, дайте прочитать, сравнить и подумать!
Как же подгорает, ааааа
Как же подгорает, ааааа
понедельник, 15 апреля 2024
Lost in paradise.
Shut up and stop whinning. Great gifts take time.
Не знаю, чего я ждала. Праздника? Немного признания? Возможности доказать себе, что мир не такой херовый, как кажется?
Я не понимаю, когда мир свернул не туда. Как сделать его тем светлым местом, о котором я хочу думать.
Один подарок из шести. Остальные даже не подумали. Ладно, два, В. подарила целых две рафаэлки. Остальные побегали и побухали за мой счёт, но даже не подумали что-то сообразить.
Я не прошу брильянтов. Не прошу охуенно сложных подарков. Хоть шоколадку, блять. Ну хоть немного внимания.
Потому что я просто не понимаю, что делаю не так. Когда мир стал таким ебанутым.
Вот уж точно, social skills I'm not sure I have.
Я не понимаю, когда мир свернул не туда. Как сделать его тем светлым местом, о котором я хочу думать.
Один подарок из шести. Остальные даже не подумали. Ладно, два, В. подарила целых две рафаэлки. Остальные побегали и побухали за мой счёт, но даже не подумали что-то сообразить.
Я не прошу брильянтов. Не прошу охуенно сложных подарков. Хоть шоколадку, блять. Ну хоть немного внимания.
Потому что я просто не понимаю, что делаю не так. Когда мир стал таким ебанутым.
Вот уж точно, social skills I'm not sure I have.
суббота, 17 февраля 2024
Lost in paradise.
Я так устала. Каждый раз когда я думаю, что могу на кого-то полагаться - мне опять плюют в рожу и сваливают в закат. Каури же сильная, она же со всем справится. Почему я все еще удивляюсь?
Где ты был 20 лет назад, чтобы научить меня ориентироваться в этом мире? Где ты был, когда я набивала шишки об окружающих? Где ты был, когда я училась все разруливать сама, наматывая слезы на кулак и крича в подушку?
Ты опоздал со своими нравоучениями. Все, что ты мне дал, - это деньги. И то, только когда я "хорошая дочь". А я не хорошая. Неудобная. Со своим мнением и взглядом на жизнь. И почему-то не проявляющая уважения просто потому что.
Всего-то надо было -цать лет назад брать меня с собой исследовать этот прекрасный мир и учиться в нем жить. А не бросать меня барахтаться в этом одну. Oh well.
"Ну не очень хорошо , ясно."
Спасибо, блять.
Где ты был 20 лет назад, чтобы научить меня ориентироваться в этом мире? Где ты был, когда я набивала шишки об окружающих? Где ты был, когда я училась все разруливать сама, наматывая слезы на кулак и крича в подушку?
Ты опоздал со своими нравоучениями. Все, что ты мне дал, - это деньги. И то, только когда я "хорошая дочь". А я не хорошая. Неудобная. Со своим мнением и взглядом на жизнь. И почему-то не проявляющая уважения просто потому что.
Всего-то надо было -цать лет назад брать меня с собой исследовать этот прекрасный мир и учиться в нем жить. А не бросать меня барахтаться в этом одну. Oh well.
"Ну не очень хорошо , ясно."
Спасибо, блять.
четверг, 23 марта 2023
Lost in paradise.
Do I get to be this bitchy person? I mean I always secretly wanted to be badass but I feared the consequences. And now I burn bridges faster than I build new ones.
She is annoying. The kind you can't quite describe. Yet you constantly feel used. So fuck that. Even if it's just my insecurities or traumas reflect on her - I don't give a fuck. I think I've waited for this for so long that the whole idea of dumping her seems like a well-and-long-deserved response.
Why do I even think about it twice? I might have used her but it was disproportionally less than all the times she used me.
She is annoying. The kind you can't quite describe. Yet you constantly feel used. So fuck that. Even if it's just my insecurities or traumas reflect on her - I don't give a fuck. I think I've waited for this for so long that the whole idea of dumping her seems like a well-and-long-deserved response.
Why do I even think about it twice? I might have used her but it was disproportionally less than all the times she used me.
четверг, 23 февраля 2023
Lost in paradise.
One step at a time.
Breathe in.
Breathe out.
Breathe in.
Breathe out.
воскресенье, 05 февраля 2023
22:38
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Lost in paradise.
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среда, 01 февраля 2023
Lost in paradise.
Чувствую себя мурлычащей кошкой. Я так давно не была настолько счастлива. Кажется, люди вокруг останавливаются, чтобы удивиться моей улыбке.
Пока нет грусти. Только ощущение свободы.
Так надо. Я иду верным путем. Пусть страшно, пусть не прямо, пусть так.
Я падаю в объятья Вселенной. Я доверяю.
И, Боже, как это охуенно.
Пока нет грусти. Только ощущение свободы.
Так надо. Я иду верным путем. Пусть страшно, пусть не прямо, пусть так.
Я падаю в объятья Вселенной. Я доверяю.
И, Боже, как это охуенно.
среда, 18 января 2023
Lost in paradise.
АААААААА
Shit just got real!
It's been ages since I've been this nervous and excited. A global change I have been longing for for most of December is finally here. I am just speechless. And scared. And excited. And a lot of other things.
What if it's a wrong choice? What if I hate it after a few months? What if I'm not good enough? Aaaargh...
Today I actually enjoyed my work space. And I am gonna miss it enormously. I am terrified and I honestly am kinda lost.
I thought I might unravel a bit here but I am just shocked and don't know what to do.
AAAAAAAA
God please let it all work out for the best.
Shit just got real!
It's been ages since I've been this nervous and excited. A global change I have been longing for for most of December is finally here. I am just speechless. And scared. And excited. And a lot of other things.
What if it's a wrong choice? What if I hate it after a few months? What if I'm not good enough? Aaaargh...
Today I actually enjoyed my work space. And I am gonna miss it enormously. I am terrified and I honestly am kinda lost.
I thought I might unravel a bit here but I am just shocked and don't know what to do.
AAAAAAAA
God please let it all work out for the best.
пятница, 30 декабря 2022
Lost in paradise.
I just have this impulse to say - it's all gonna be okay. You got this.
суббота, 26 февраля 2022
Lost in paradise.
Просто среди ночи понимаю как же я скучаю по сестре. Fael, если ты ещё тут появляешься, маякни, что ль. Miss you, sis.
четверг, 17 февраля 2022
Lost in paradise.
As March approaches here we are again. Shattered, tired, insecure, lost and feeling utterly disgusted with myself. Oh boy.
I'm sick of feeling sick. I want to do so much and e-ve-ry-thing just comes back to money. More money than I can earn at the moment. The minute I let myself relax the world falls down on me showing me just how insignificant all my efforts are. I hate it.
My health isn't getting any better. It's like if I do something my body finds new ways of annoying me. I did vitamins - my thyroid decides to destroy me. I don't know what to do and who to trust. I'm tired of walking blindly through the never-ending bushes. I think I need to cleanse myself, do the analysis, go do the herbs, all that with exercise. Though while I was distracted by the preparations for 23rd of February, wowagent added that she doesn't add anyone not from her registration link. Oh well. Never mind. Herbs it is.
I feel like I'm letting my son down. I don't know what to do with him. It's like everything I do never makes any difference. I have nothing to teach him but bad habbits and annoying character traits.
Damn, this song is stuck in my head.
I'm sick of feeling sick. I want to do so much and e-ve-ry-thing just comes back to money. More money than I can earn at the moment. The minute I let myself relax the world falls down on me showing me just how insignificant all my efforts are. I hate it.
My health isn't getting any better. It's like if I do something my body finds new ways of annoying me. I did vitamins - my thyroid decides to destroy me. I don't know what to do and who to trust. I'm tired of walking blindly through the never-ending bushes. I think I need to cleanse myself, do the analysis, go do the herbs, all that with exercise. Though while I was distracted by the preparations for 23rd of February, wowagent added that she doesn't add anyone not from her registration link. Oh well. Never mind. Herbs it is.
I feel like I'm letting my son down. I don't know what to do with him. It's like everything I do never makes any difference. I have nothing to teach him but bad habbits and annoying character traits.
Damn, this song is stuck in my head.
Oh life is bigger
It's bigger than you
And you are not me
The lengths that I will go to
The distance in your eyes
Oh no I've said too much
I set it up
That's me in the corner
That's me in the spotlight
Losing my religion
Trying to keep an eye on you
And I don't know if I can do it
Oh no I've said too much
I set it up
I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you sing
I think I thought I saw you strive
Every whisper
And every waking hour I'm
Choosing my confessions
Trying to keep an eye on you
Like a hurt lost and blinded fool (fool)
Oh no I've said too much
I haven't said enough
Well, consider this
Consider this the end of the century
Consider this as well
It brought me to my knees failed
What if all these fantasies
Come flailing around
Now I've said too much
I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you sing
I think I thought I saw you strive
But that was just a dream
That was just a dream
That's me in the corner
That's me in the spotlight
Losing my religion
Trying to keep an eye on you
And I don't know if I can do it
Oh no I've said too much
I haven't said enough
I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you sing
I think I thought I saw you strive
But that was just a dream
That was just a dream
And that was just a dream
Just a dream, just a dream
Dream dream dream dream...
Anouk - Losing my religion (REM cover)
It's bigger than you
And you are not me
The lengths that I will go to
The distance in your eyes
Oh no I've said too much
I set it up
That's me in the corner
That's me in the spotlight
Losing my religion
Trying to keep an eye on you
And I don't know if I can do it
Oh no I've said too much
I set it up
I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you sing
I think I thought I saw you strive
Every whisper
And every waking hour I'm
Choosing my confessions
Trying to keep an eye on you
Like a hurt lost and blinded fool (fool)
Oh no I've said too much
I haven't said enough
Well, consider this
Consider this the end of the century
Consider this as well
It brought me to my knees failed
What if all these fantasies
Come flailing around
Now I've said too much
I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you sing
I think I thought I saw you strive
But that was just a dream
That was just a dream
That's me in the corner
That's me in the spotlight
Losing my religion
Trying to keep an eye on you
And I don't know if I can do it
Oh no I've said too much
I haven't said enough
I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you sing
I think I thought I saw you strive
But that was just a dream
That was just a dream
And that was just a dream
Just a dream, just a dream
Dream dream dream dream...
Anouk - Losing my religion (REM cover)
среда, 09 июня 2021
Lost in paradise.
Once again I am in awe of the way the Universe sends us signals.
Watching the BtVS review on Into the Woods I find soooo much clarity in what has happened with me. It's like a story of me but with vampires and stuff.
I gave all I could. But I didn't want to betray everything I am and believe in just so he could become the center of my Universe. Not my fault he tries to find meaning outside of himself. I, like Buffy, have a job I can't leave, the way I am best equiped in dealing with problems is solitary, and still I found time to be with him and share all I could, but it wasn't enough.
Funny how all of it makes sense now and how I wasn't aware the episode even had that much meaning to me before.
Watching the BtVS review on Into the Woods I find soooo much clarity in what has happened with me. It's like a story of me but with vampires and stuff.
I gave all I could. But I didn't want to betray everything I am and believe in just so he could become the center of my Universe. Not my fault he tries to find meaning outside of himself. I, like Buffy, have a job I can't leave, the way I am best equiped in dealing with problems is solitary, and still I found time to be with him and share all I could, but it wasn't enough.
Funny how all of it makes sense now and how I wasn't aware the episode even had that much meaning to me before.
понедельник, 24 мая 2021
Lost in paradise.
Who da boss?..
Don't even feel dissapointed. The sense of doing what's right is coming back to me.
Get your shit together, girl.
We have't talked yet but I feel like everything's already been said in my head.
That's what was coming, you know.
Now K.Flay and new music, old anime in new imaging, new serials with old actors.
My life anew but nothing's changed but me.
Ha.
Though to be honest I ain't even mad. A little sad but not his fault.
Singing for the first timein forever in a long-long time. I've made a decision, my life is a vision, I will not break down anymore. Change is so sweet and sour, I forgot what it's like to step into my own darkness and grow stronger.
Not the obvious way, but you'll get there, Cauri. To the feeling like you belong.
Just figure out what you want your life to be. And get your shit together.
Don't even feel dissapointed. The sense of doing what's right is coming back to me.
Get your shit together, girl.
We have't talked yet but I feel like everything's already been said in my head.
That's what was coming, you know.
Now K.Flay and new music, old anime in new imaging, new serials with old actors.
My life anew but nothing's changed but me.
Ha.
I'm usually nice
But just for the night I wanna be mean
I wanna fight
I wanna say things I've been keeping inside
Four-letter words
I'm cursing
Fuck you
You didn't deserve me
K.Flay - Four-Letter Words
But just for the night I wanna be mean
I wanna fight
I wanna say things I've been keeping inside
Four-letter words
I'm cursing
Fuck you
You didn't deserve me
K.Flay - Four-Letter Words
Though to be honest I ain't even mad. A little sad but not his fault.
Singing for the first time
Not the obvious way, but you'll get there, Cauri. To the feeling like you belong.
Just figure out what you want your life to be. And get your shit together.
суббота, 01 мая 2021
Lost in paradise.
Ааааа, как же меня бомбит. И эта фраза тоже бомбит, потому что она его.
Сука, ну нельзя быть таким маленьким и эгоистичным! Ой, я приставал к девушке когда она не хотела и теперь я обижен что меня послали. С пятого, блять, раза, потому что до этого все воспринималось как игра!
Блять, почему я не би, с женщинами такого говна нет.
Ебаные инфантилы, неужели все мужики внутри такие маленькие пиздюки?! Как другие женщины это терпят, кааааак?! И нахера оно мне?
Сука, ну нельзя быть таким маленьким и эгоистичным! Ой, я приставал к девушке когда она не хотела и теперь я обижен что меня послали. С пятого, блять, раза, потому что до этого все воспринималось как игра!
Блять, почему я не би, с женщинами такого говна нет.
Ебаные инфантилы, неужели все мужики внутри такие маленькие пиздюки?! Как другие женщины это терпят, кааааак?! И нахера оно мне?
понедельник, 26 апреля 2021
Lost in paradise.
It's a sense of almost losing myself that makes me pause and reflect on my life. So many things have been happening at the same time sometimes I feel lost, like I'm being held by the water but still floating in the unknown ocean. Terrified by the possibilities, and of losing myself just to get it "right" this time.
I'm tired of fighting. It feels like I picked up a stone and try to pretend it's the right kind of stone and it's not heavy at all and I can carry it through everything and it'll get lighter and better. You know it won't. You knew this from day one. You were scared to face the fact that you chose wrong again. That it'll go back to the start in a blink of an eye. So you stopped blinking till your eyes got red and teary. But it's time to let it go. He feels it too and he's nervous. And I feel for him, I really do. But I don't wanna lose myself. I can't afford to. It's not the end of the world, I'm still young and beautiful and funny and witty and caring. But not with him. Not like that. I care for him and my heart breaks every time I have to make excuses to not get carried away by annoyance. Just not the right choice. I need someone in my life who gets me, without excuses, without pretending, without fear and judgement. Am I wanting too much? Is that even a real thing to get all of that in one person? I don't want to settle for less.
He doesn't see the world the way I do. And it's fun and interesting up to the point of me getting tired. And then I see him, pointing and accusing. I know he can be better. But do I really want to change him? It's a dead end road, changing a person you love. I want him on my terms and I can't back down. He doesn't understand the pressure I feel, he can't understand till he has been through the same. I almost want to let him go and watch him find what he's looking for just so he could come back to me and we'd be together without this elephant in the room. Does that make me a bad person?
I don't want to ruin his life and I won't let him ruin mine.
At this point I feel like the only solution would be for me to move out to a new place near where I am now. Not a rent, but fully mine. But I can see only one way of getting it and I shame myself for even considering this as a solution. I don't wanna start a new life on top of someone's death.
I long for a break. For something to make everything okay and easy. I carry all these things I took on myself half a year ago and I am just waiting for all of it to be finished. I have no idea what to do next but I'll figure something out.
---
"I hate Suzie" is so painful to watch. So real, so full of desperation and loss and just being torn apart by the world and wanting it all to just go back to the way it was. Beautiful yet terrifying. I applaude Billie Piper for this performance, it helps me put some perspective on things.
I'm tired of fighting. It feels like I picked up a stone and try to pretend it's the right kind of stone and it's not heavy at all and I can carry it through everything and it'll get lighter and better. You know it won't. You knew this from day one. You were scared to face the fact that you chose wrong again. That it'll go back to the start in a blink of an eye. So you stopped blinking till your eyes got red and teary. But it's time to let it go. He feels it too and he's nervous. And I feel for him, I really do. But I don't wanna lose myself. I can't afford to. It's not the end of the world, I'm still young and beautiful and funny and witty and caring. But not with him. Not like that. I care for him and my heart breaks every time I have to make excuses to not get carried away by annoyance. Just not the right choice. I need someone in my life who gets me, without excuses, without pretending, without fear and judgement. Am I wanting too much? Is that even a real thing to get all of that in one person? I don't want to settle for less.
He doesn't see the world the way I do. And it's fun and interesting up to the point of me getting tired. And then I see him, pointing and accusing. I know he can be better. But do I really want to change him? It's a dead end road, changing a person you love. I want him on my terms and I can't back down. He doesn't understand the pressure I feel, he can't understand till he has been through the same. I almost want to let him go and watch him find what he's looking for just so he could come back to me and we'd be together without this elephant in the room. Does that make me a bad person?
I don't want to ruin his life and I won't let him ruin mine.
At this point I feel like the only solution would be for me to move out to a new place near where I am now. Not a rent, but fully mine. But I can see only one way of getting it and I shame myself for even considering this as a solution. I don't wanna start a new life on top of someone's death.
I long for a break. For something to make everything okay and easy. I carry all these things I took on myself half a year ago and I am just waiting for all of it to be finished. I have no idea what to do next but I'll figure something out.
---
"I hate Suzie" is so painful to watch. So real, so full of desperation and loss and just being torn apart by the world and wanting it all to just go back to the way it was. Beautiful yet terrifying. I applaude Billie Piper for this performance, it helps me put some perspective on things.
Look at the state of me
You can't deny it
I'm gonna walk out
So follow me now
Just get behind me
Look at the state of me
You can't deny it
I'm gonna walk out
So follow me now
Just get behind me
My eyes adjust and I'm okay
But I'm not gonna put up with this one more day
I can't find the exit sign
But when I do, I'll bolt into the sunlight
Some may fear running to the unknown
But please, just tell me where else can we go
Look at the state of me
Look at the state of me
Broken, hostile state of my life now
Just get behind me
Just get behind me
Closing slowly they don't own me
Just get behind me
Just get behind me
Get away
No blood to waste
Closing slowly they don't own me
Just get behind me
Just get behind me
Lacey Sturm - State of me
You can't deny it
I'm gonna walk out
So follow me now
Just get behind me
Look at the state of me
You can't deny it
I'm gonna walk out
So follow me now
Just get behind me
My eyes adjust and I'm okay
But I'm not gonna put up with this one more day
I can't find the exit sign
But when I do, I'll bolt into the sunlight
Some may fear running to the unknown
But please, just tell me where else can we go
Look at the state of me
Look at the state of me
Broken, hostile state of my life now
Just get behind me
Just get behind me
Closing slowly they don't own me
Just get behind me
Just get behind me
Get away
No blood to waste
Closing slowly they don't own me
Just get behind me
Just get behind me
Lacey Sturm - State of me
вторник, 30 марта 2021
Lost in paradise.
I am so grateful today. I rarely am and when I am it is the most wonderful thing in the whole world. So much love and appreciation inside of me, I even start to wonder if it's me at all. But I am mesmerised by the world's beauty, by the care of people in my life, by life itself in all its glorious differences.
Thank you, Universe, for letting me enjoy it. At least for today. Days like this are here to remind us why we do what we do. They are the reason we wake up in the morning in the hope that today is the day everything feels right. I feel like I found myself. And it's something I never wanna let go.
The world is gorgeous and I am gonna appreciate the hell out of it!
Thank you, Universe, for letting me enjoy it. At least for today. Days like this are here to remind us why we do what we do. They are the reason we wake up in the morning in the hope that today is the day everything feels right. I feel like I found myself. And it's something I never wanna let go.
The world is gorgeous and I am gonna appreciate the hell out of it!
I believe in us
I can't remember why I believe in us
These seeds of the past, they keep springing up
Love begins with trust
But we can't be trusted
Ah, the future starts with us
Blind belief, are you afraid to see
That our fathers were wrong?
We hold the key to redemption
Let icons fall
Dare to break away
Tear down this broken machine
Escape your pledge
We're falling to pieces
Ah, the future's rising up
Blind belief, are you afraid to see
That our fathers were wrong?
We hold the key to redemption
Let icons fall
Push through the pain
Unbreak the system
Arms of self-sacrifice
Lay them down
Lay 'em down, lay 'em down, lay 'em down, lay 'em down
Blind belief, are you afraid to see
That our fathers were wrong?
We hold the key to redemption
Love over all
We hold the key to redemption
Love over all
Evanescence - Blind belief
I can't remember why I believe in us
These seeds of the past, they keep springing up
Love begins with trust
But we can't be trusted
Ah, the future starts with us
Blind belief, are you afraid to see
That our fathers were wrong?
We hold the key to redemption
Let icons fall
Dare to break away
Tear down this broken machine
Escape your pledge
We're falling to pieces
Ah, the future's rising up
Blind belief, are you afraid to see
That our fathers were wrong?
We hold the key to redemption
Let icons fall
Push through the pain
Unbreak the system
Arms of self-sacrifice
Lay them down
Lay 'em down, lay 'em down, lay 'em down, lay 'em down
Blind belief, are you afraid to see
That our fathers were wrong?
We hold the key to redemption
Love over all
We hold the key to redemption
Love over all
Evanescence - Blind belief